


Scholar's Feast

by Elfwreck



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Based on a Tumblr Post, Cooking, Dialogue-Only, Emergency Plans, Gen, Humans are all crazy, Humor, Life hacks, Not Beta Read, Replicators
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-14
Updated: 2017-04-14
Packaged: 2018-10-18 23:29:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10627425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Elfwreck/pseuds/Elfwreck
Summary: Important visitors are arriving, and as usual, something is malfunctioning on the Enterprise.





	

ANDORIAN YEOMAN: Captain! The replicators are malfunctioning, and the ambassador’s party will be here in an hour!

KIRK: Don’t worry. We got this. * _calls engineering_ * Hey Scotty, you were in the dorms at Starfleet, right?

SCOTTY: Aye.

KIRK: And you weren’t allowed to have large appliances in your dorm rooms, right?

SCOTTY: Nae, we were not.

KIRK: Okay. So, the ambassador and co are gonna be here in an hour, and we need to set up a feast for them. And we have no replicators.

SCOTTY: * _catching on_ * Right! I’ll take me team to the mess hall and we’ll get right on it!

KIRK: Thanks. Kirk out.

ANDORIAN YEOMAN: ...What just happened?

KIRK: Ah, you weren’t in a standard dorm, I see.

ANDORIAN YEOMAN: No, I was part of the offworlders' fraternity... we had a kitchen...

KIRK: So, you never fried eggs on tinfoil on a flat iron. Never painted a can of stew black, poked a hole in the top, and set it in a sunny window to slow-cook all day. Never used a coffeepot to boil rice to pour the stew over.

ANDORIAN YEOMAN: *horrified* N-No, sir.

KIRK: We’re gonna treat the ambassador’s team to a Genuine Earth-Style Scholar’s Feast! 

* _comm chirps_ * * _Kirk answers_ *

SCOTTY: Well, we don’t have an iron or a coffeepot, but the warp core produces heat and we think we can rig a pipe from one of the vents to a storage locker to make an oven; Jones has volunteered some of his beer – good lad! – and we're gonna get the guys in Science to extract some of the yeast and grab some of those grain samples and see if we can get some bread going. If not, we'll settle for more beer. Also the Weapons team guys think they can set the phasers to shoot through a metal mesh screen and get us grilled cheese. So we're off to a good start.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the "humans are all basically Doc Brown from Back to the Future" posts on tumblr. (I'd link, but... it's tumblr. Threads with multiple replies get their text squished into a half-inch column that scrolls for dozen screen lengths.)


End file.
